march 2001

click here for permalink March 30, 2001

After the most nerve-wracking 24 hours in recent memory, I've finally accepted my new haircut. Now, this may not sound like a white-knuckle event to you, but for someone who's had the same basic hairstyle since age sixteen, it's a big fuckin' deal!

After a few hours of panic, self-loathing and - I'll admit it - tears, I began to believe the effusive compliments from Mr. Pink (his boyfriend training REALLY paid off yesterday, let me tell you!).

Cut and color=$180
New product to give ends "thick, choppy" look=$15
Bottle of vodka=$23
No longer scowling when I see my reflection=priceless.

click here for permalink March 24, 2001

A little blonde girl — about five years old — walked up to me today as I was waiting for Mr. Pink to finish shopping. She stared up at me silently for a minute until I looked down at her and then she said, "Hi. I have braids in my hair."

Indeed she did — she was sporting a full-on Bo Derek. "That must have taken a long time," I said, "it looks very pretty." "Thanks," she replied, matter-of-factly. I was crouching down at her level now and she studied my face for a moment before pronouncing, "Your lipstick matches your sweater." Kids.

I grinned my agreement then nervously glanced around to see if Mr. Pink could be drawn into the conversation (he's one of those people to whom friends always say, "wow, my cat [dog, kid, whatever] hates everyone! I can't believe s/he likes you!") He was nowhere to be found but I managed.

click here for permalink March 23, 2001

Screw self-tanner. I've been going to the electric beach for two weeks now. I'm as golden as a perfectly toasted marshmallow and all is right with the world.

If you buy into the skin care industry's scare tactics (let's call them the SPF Nazis), it might interest you to know that one of the biggest skin care companies in the world sells a line of accelerators — under a different company name, of course — in every tanning salon in North America.

Take a minute to think about what they have to gain by scaring people indoors. They don't sell all that SPF 30 crap out of a genuine concern for your health but out of a genuine concern for the billions of dollars the phamaceutical and cosmetics industries rake in every year. So don't whine to me about what you've read in Mademoiselle, okay? Instead, read this.

click here for permalink March 15, 2001

It seems like the key to "niche" marketing in cosmetics is finding and exploiting an untapped vein of human insecurity. An excellent historical example is the "pumice foot scrub" boom of the early nineties.

In fact, any innovation in the "exfoliation" genre has its basic premise deeply rooted in human paranoia. There is something timeless and primal about this fear of dead, decaying skin clingling to our bodies, smothering the fresh, new, youthful epidermal layer beneath.

The skin care industry would have us believe that we are all just one loofah-ing away from a younger, smoother, cleaner self... a butterfly waiting to emerge from its imprisoning crystallis of callous and decay. But don't get me wrong — I love to exfoliate as much as the next gal. In fact, since the start of this pumice craze, I'm up to twice weekly...

click here for permalink March 5, 2001

Thank-fucking-god for self tanner, that's all I have to say. My only complaint is that, for Pacific Northwest types like myself, they should have a little chart on the side — like with hair dye — that shows the results you can expect if you start out with this color, or this color, and so on.

This particular brand — "for a deep tan" it says... yeah, one layer of skin deep — I have applied three times in as many days and I'm just barely compensating for the negative tan value I descended to this winter... perhaps with application #4 I will begin to see something approaching a "tan" color.