april 2001

click here for permalink April 30, 2001

There's an old lady in my building who does her laundry every single day. How can one little old lady create so much laundry? Does she just wash clean clothes over and over for something to do? It perplexes me.

You know... if I'm wasting a single brain cell wondering about something like that, I must be avoiding some responsibilities of my own. Sigh. Since my class last Wednesday, I haven't done any of the writing or biking I was supposed to do...

Somehow I managed to lose a whole week, just like that (snap, snap). We had no Internet access for three days, which is almost like being stuffed in the trunk of a car for three days. When I finally got back online, I had so many messages... almost ten from my mother, the subject titles increasing in urgency from conversational to panicked. Heh. And it was only a year ago that she called ME a geek for relying on email!

Aside from being cut off from the world all weekend, I helped Mr. Pink with some hard labor and I'm now so exhausted that the last thing I want to do is bike the seawall or do my writing class homework. If I could be anywhere in the world right now, it would be poolside at the Delano Hotel in South Beach — with a laptop, of course.

click here for permalink April 24, 2001

I love the West End. It's great to live in a neighborhood where your gas station attendant doesn't think twice about asking you what color nail polish you're wearing, for the next time he goes out in drag.

Today I bought a bike (with a cute little purple helmet) from a friend, which means I officially have no more excuses for sitting around on my ass complaining about not getting any exercise. The only excuses I can fall back on now are being a) too lazy or b) too exhausted from the time before.

The latter of which is more plausible (heh, hopefully) considering the fact that I haven't actually ridden a bicycle since I was — wow — twelve. Is that right? I can't remember a single time since this one Summer in Ontario... visiting my Dad... riding my bike to a friend's place every day... listening to Dead or Alive on my Walkman.

Yep. Twelve years old.

Hoo-boy. I'm in trouble!

click here for permalink April 23, 2001

Oh well — to hell with waiting till I have something to talk about! I figure I'll just start writing and see what happens, even though my brain is running on empty. But maybe that will all change on Wednesday...

...when I start my first ever (since college) writing class/workshop/thing. I was flipping through the Georgia Straight (Vancouver's big, fat, free entertainment paper) looking for something to do with my days aside from — heh, this — and sending resumes all across North America. I found some great stuff; a belly dancing instructor (named Venus!), yoga schools where the first class free, the latest Savage Love column...

And then I found a little ad for a weekly writing workshop run by a lady named Melba. I called and was totally charmed by her voice before we even got into the discussion of class structure and money. Speaking of which, no, I can't afford it but I can afford even less to sit around here watching daytime TV while my brain cells jump overboard in search of a better life.

So that starts Wednesday — woohoo! I'm excited... I don't know what to expect but I know that I'll be somewhere else for three hours plus a great walk to and from (which guarantees me more exercise than my usual circuit from the bed to the computer to the fridge to the bathroom to the bed).

On the other hand, over the weekend, I elevated my TV watching to a socially conscious level while doing a favor for one of my best friends. She's doing some kind of project where she needs FTAA protest footage on tape (sweet little anarchist that she is!) and, naturally, thought of me when she needed someone to sit around surfing channels and recording anything on the riots. Now if only I could get paid to sit around watching Law & Order all day. Yep, I love me some Jerry Orbach.

click here for permalink April 20, 2001

Remember last year when the Brazilian bikini wax was the big thing in the news... and by "news," I mean Allure, Vogue, Elle and Cosmo? Well, it finally made its way from New York to Vancouver and to my little salon...

I've been waiting a year for this, so I immediately booked an appointment — which took place just one hour ago. Now, the thing is; I'm just as excessive about my strange beauty rituals as I am about exercise... it's all the same really — heh — no pain, no gain!

Back in the early 90's, I even gave the old Epilady a try; yes, I was one of the 15 women who actually tried it more than once. Two months later, I was working away at a nerve-deadened shin and leaned over a bit too far, letting a long tendril of (head) hair catch in it's evil, little rotating coils, killing it instantly. Fortunately, the tool went on to a higher purpose after that; I was in art school at the time and my roommate snapped it up for a metal sculpture project she was working on.

But I've never had anything professionally waxed in my life, so naturally the first such procedure had to be the dreaded Brazilian bikini wax (which typically removes 100% more hair than the regular bikini wax). To my great relief, the talented pedicurist Robin-Lyn also turned out to be a master waxer. Sure, it hurt like hell but, after each RIP of the cloth, the pain does actually die down enough to go on.

Here's where it gets embarrassing... and not in the way I thought it would... Robin-Lyn had to stop a few hairs short of the "Brazilian" part because the never-been-waxed skin that she had already exposed was SO irritated she was afraid to go any farther. "I want you to be able to wear your pants out of here," she said, and assured me we'd pick up where she left off next time.

So, there you have it. As anti-climactic as a bad one-night stand, but that was my day. Pain and irritation nearly forgotten, I can hardly wait for "next time."

click here for permalink April 18, 2001

Aren't I the health-conscious one, eating a snack of carrots and dip... Of course, we all know that carrots are merely a vessel for ranch dressing, much like bagels are to cream cheese or bananas are to peanut butter.

But, all things considered, it beats eating ice cream and cereal all day.

Today is one of those crisp, clear, sunny days (which we get here in Vancouver a lot more often than you hear about) where I'm uncharacteristically tempted to do something athletic. Unfortunately, I have a way of sabotaging my own attempts at outdoor fitness by overdoing it once and forever after being plagued by the memory of exertion — scared sedentary, you could call it.

This one time last month, I began a spontaneous trek along the seawall (the bike/walking path that encircles Stanley Park) with the intention of going a few blocks' worth and turning back, but it was so nice to breathe the air that I kept going until I was halfway around the park. Or so I thought.

Well, no turning back now, I said to myself as it began to rain... I walked and walked and it rained harder and harder until I was utterly drenched and my feet ached from being suddenly put to use. I kept waiting for the end of the seawall and it just kept going and going.

I got home after three hours exhausted, relieved and in need of a hot bath and found out that I had walked over seven miles. It's a good thing I didn't know that — if I had, I never would have started! I felt a sense of accomplishment, sure, but I haven't looked with longing at the seawall since then.

My compromise is walking down Robson Street, where I can simultaneously get exercise and covet stuff I can't afford. Hey, at least I'll be outside!

click here for permalink April 16, 2001

Happy Monday after Easter, everyone! Holidays seem to sneak up on me lately... since I moved to Canada. There are four more statutory holidays here which, when I was office-bound, never failed to delight me.

I would be going about my day and suddenly find out that the next day was "Victoria Day" or "BC Day" or something else I'd never heard of. Now that every day is sort of a holiday for me (heh), I have an almost complete unawareness of these things. The only reason I know what day it is, sometimes, is because my horoscope on Astrocenter tells me.

Well, my Easter was busy indeed, for one whose closest biological family is 3,000 miles away! Mr. Pink and I braved the country to visit his sister and her family. We had a great time eating a big, traditional dinner, playing sidewalk hockey with the kids (that was Mr. Pink — I just held the videocamera) and getting drunk in the hot tub.

We returned home on Sunday; dusty, tired and chlorine-encrusted, only to discover one of our best friends at the front door of our building. He and his girlfriend had been calling for two days and finally decided they'd have better luck trying in person. Astonishingly, it worked because there we were, ready to be kidnapped and forced to eat yet another Easter dinner!

The weekend couldn't have ended on a better note... incredible food and company, watching our friend carve his first turkey (making his "father figure" image complete for the rest of us!), playing with their adorable Doberman puppy (below) and falling asleep on the couch watching The Sopranos, which beats the hell out of football, if you ask me.


click here for permalink April 14, 2001

I saw the most evil commercial last night. It featured the quintessential Type A business woman talking about how, when she has a headache, she doesn't have time to "fight it," she just wants it gone.

That's why she uses Excedrin... "Because it's got two pain relievers," She says, with a strung-out gleam in her eye, "and a little something extra..." As she grins knowingly at the camera, tiny, white subtitles appear at the bottom of the screen.

"Contains Caffeine"

[For the uninitiated, caffeine is a highly addictive substance that causes increased alertness and sustained periods of wakefulness. Withdrawal symptoms include lethargy, nausea and disassociation as well as pounding, cerebral cortex-splitting headaches that spread from your hair follicles to your collarbone; irritability and, if you get between me and the nearest Starbucks, bodily injury.]

Let us not judge but, rather, stand back and marvel at what a brilliant strategy Excedrin has crafted. If you have a headache and take Excedrin, you will most likely be cured. Run out of Excedrin after a month and try something else... and you will be sorely, sorely disappointed. You may not know why... all you may know is that Excedrin is the only thing that will keep the demon at bay.

click here for permalink April 12, 2001

I've sunk to a new low in un/self-employment. I watched two dogs get married on The View today — by Tony Randall, no less. Speaking of flaming celebs... it's nice to see Elton wearing the crazy shades again...

May issue of Jane, page 41, fuschia (to match his paisley suit!) with rhinestones around the rims. Classic. On the other hand, is there anyone he won't do a duet with these days? At the rate he's going, I'm expecting a call any day now.

Speaking of music... sort of... Josie and the Pussycats is out this week. The reviews look awful but the makeup looks cool. Follow the link above for How-Tos. Meanwhile, what is in Josie's hair?

Since my big haircut, I no longer have Bad Hair Days. Really, he did a great job... but I don't have fabulous hair days anymore, either. I dry it and put a bunch of crap in it and it looks the same every day. Some would kill for that, I know... but I miss the unpredictability of long hair. Maybe I just need some of that rubber cement Josie's using.

click here for permalink April 11, 2001

A boat caught fire yesterday out in the Bay - Mr. Pink saw flames shooting up into the air from the water but it was just billowing smoke by the time he got home to tell me to look. I thought it looked like a cruise ship...

A bit of research confirmed that it was one of those champagne cruise boats — empty, luckily. This is exactly what it looked like from my window...just not so close. Within minutes, there were two firefighter boats out there extinguishing it and then it sat out in the water for hours, leaning severely like a toy boat abandoned in the bathtub.

click here for permalink April 10, 2001

What is so entrancing about a glossy bundle of ads and consumeristic propaganda? Month after month, I ask myself this question and yet, month after month, I snap up the latest issues of Allure, InStyle and Jane.

Mmm... shiny, new magazine...

My favorite cover stories titles from Jane's May issue:

  • "9 ways to look like you just got some" (and, no, much to my disappointment, none of them are "actually get some")
  • "Courtney Cox's top 10 beauty secrets" (another disappointment — I was sure she would say "vomit after each meal" but I guess she still thinks that's her secret).

Speaking of meals, I've become seriously addicted to these cheese ball things. Not the ones that come in the red wax that opens like Pac-Man, but the flavored ones (port wine, ranch, etc.) with the slivered almonds on the outside. I know they might as well call them Carcinogenic Fat Balls but, damn, they're tasty.

click here for permalink April 9, 2001

If you live in Vancouver, it's days like these that make you forget all about rain, high taxes and unpredictable fault lines. Just like tourists, we're charmed anew by the clean, hipster-strewn streets and scenic views.

Speaking of tourists, my friends from San Francisco are on their way home today after a fun-filled weekend, the highlights of which were:

  • Us girls singing shamelessly while Mr. Pink played guitar
  • Finding out from our guests that Vancouver has an aquarium
  • The "Keith Richards" conversation with our new favorite waiter, Jamie
  • Waiting three hours for a cab...
  • ...to be told that the warehouse party is over fire code capacity
  • Shopping (I bought something that looks like a blue, muppet-skin sweater)
  • Liz's mango salsa...mmmm
  • "Almost Famous"

If y'all haven't seen "Almost Famous," I definitely recommend it. In fact, a double feature of that and "Detroit Rock City" would be the perfect comedic antidote to your most stressful day.

click here for permalink April 6, 2001

What could be more relaxing than an aromatherapy massage and pedicure in one day? Well... when the day is set against a Biblical downpour, a bus strike and interminable waits for any cab in the city...just about anything.

I realized something early in the day. Bad massages are worse than bad sex. And, in keeping with the comparison, considerably worse for someone who is uncomfortable speaking up to say "harder" or "you mean that's IT?" What little relaxation was gained from the massage quickly wore off during the mile and a half walk home in the freezing rain.

The pedicure, though, was wonderful — Robin-Lynn entertained me with serial killer trivia and explained all about how hair doesn't biodegrade for 7 years — which was oddly calming.

Back out in the rain, in pedicure-safe sandals, I waited for 45 minutes before giving up on the cab and walking home... where I put up my frozen, aching, pampered feet and truly relaxed for the first time all day to the ass-kicking over-the-topness of Charlie's Angels.

Today, a good friend arrived from San Fransisco for the weekend. "What's the weather like," she had asked, innocently enough. Well, the other day it was 65 and sunny. Yesterday it was awful, so I recommended dressing for rain. This morning, on the drive from the airport, the clouds split apart and rushed to the horizon baring a blue sky fit for summer, so she decided to walk to her lunch meeting.

Now? It's hailing.

click here for permalink April 4, 2001

Just got a video from my mother, who teaches ballet in New Mexico, and I'm brimming with daughterly pride. It's always funny to see someone you know so well on tape... to see how they are when you're not around...

The weird thing is, because she quit dancing before I was born and began teaching only two years ago, I've never seen her dance in person. It was amazing.

In one rehearsal, this tiny, five year old girl came running up — looking like a happy little pink cloud — and threw her arms around my mother's waist. I almost choked with joy-sadness-admiration, watching her be a mother to a roomful of beautiful, graceful girls.

On a severely mundane note, I went tanning for the first time in two weeks today and I've also been eating cinnamon heart candy all day. Now my face and my tongue are the exact same shade of hot pink.

click here for permalink April 3, 2001

A sunset that turns the Bay into molten gold is one more proof that context is everything. Had I seen it blazing out at me from the "No Occasion/Spouse" section of the greeting card aisle, I would have laughed at its laminated triteness.

However, having seen it in "real life," I was charmed by its beauty. The Perfect Sunset, as seen from my balcony last night:


The entire first season of the Sopranos is being aired on Movie Central so we Canadians can catch up on missed episodes, which means I can finally say say I've seen it and not just the x-rated version, The SoPORNos. This is almost my new favorite show! Right up there with The West Wing and Will & Grace (or, as I like to call it, Jack & Karen).

click here for permalink April 1, 2001

Went to my first "Auto Show" yesterday, my head filled with images of an auditorium swarming with rednecks and race drivers gawking at silver sequin-clad adult film stars as they beckoned to the audience from slowly revolving mirrored pedestals and rolled around seductively on the gleaming hoods of the latest Ferraris, Porsches and Lambourghinis.

Unfortunately, it was more like a mall full of parents comparison shopping for the perfect SUV-slash-minivan.

me with audi

When I got over the lack of porn stars and anyone from the cast of "Days of Thunder," I amused myself by posing cheesily against a few cars. Enjoy!

me with harley