Slacker Sites
by A. E. O'Neill
[Originally published October 22, 1999]
Now that you've scanned the top news stories, checked your horoscope, ordered some books you'll never read and looked in on your favorite stock, it's time to use the web for something you really need...to unwind! Close your eyes (okay, that's long enough) and let me take you back — back to a time when content ruled the web (cue the sounds of stampeding Velociraptors).
From the same technology which brought us, in the Cretaceous age of the internet, adoptable desktop kittens and puppies (complete with chew toys and balls of string to amuse us — er, them), we now have VirtuaGirl (I'll let you guess the url so I don't get accused of promoting pornography), a downloadable desktop Girl who will "undress and strip at your beck and call." While I'm still wondering what, exactly, my "beck" is, I have to say she's already one step past the petting zoo variety of virtual pet in that she won't die on your desktop if you forget to feed her.
In the market for a higher maintenance - dare I say, moodier, virtual dependant? Always wanted to raise and nurture a sullen, fishnet-clad, black-leather-and-lipstick wearing teen of your own but, like most of us, don't have enough patience to put in the years of neglect and abuse it would take in real time? Well, then Tamagothi is the answer to your unspoken prayers! And if you're only a few years and salary dollars from such a wardrobe yourself, you'll chuckle wryly as you read through the Tamagothi lifecycle.
If sadistic acts against cartoon animals are your idea of stress relief, then Joe Cartoon's Tension Busters are the cure for what ails ya. Whether you choose the classic Frog in a Blender or the "splashier" Micro-Gerbil, I guarantee you will feel less stressed, if only for as long as it takes you to reach Level 10.
Don't forget to turn your speakers on for full effect and, if you're short on time, skip that third Tension Buster, the new "Shoot the Singer" game...it may be "the easiest game on the internet," but causing the untimely demise of a silhouetted songster isn't nearly as satisfying on a visceral level as boiling/blending his anthropomorphized pet store counterparts.
If you've read this far, you may actually have the attention span to check out a couple of content sites with more to offer than animated sex and violence.
One of the best sites for cheap, quick laughs at the expense of current film releases, snack foods and popular geek culture is The Brunching Shuttlecocks, with a new feature daily that never demands more of your slacking time than the average cigarette break.
My all-time favorite features would have to be the Alanis Lyric Generator and the "Porn Star or My Little Pony" Quiz. Yours truly scored an embarrassing 2 out of 12 — well, I haven't seen My Little Ponies in a long time!
The granddaddy and granddaddy's life partner of internet humor can be found at www.suck.com and www.theonion.com. If you've been in this industry longer than a month, you're probably already familiar with the three-inch-wide by mile long column format of Suck's timely rants, and with The Onion's answer to USA Today, but I thought I'd remind you; you can't work for a company that's helping to build this medium into something more than a diversion for rich geeks without stopping to smell the proverbial flowers once in a while. So, kick back and order some lunch from sushiexpress.net, and check out some of these sites. Hey, once we figure out a way to eliminate those occasional trips to the bathroom, you'll never have to leave your desk again!